Cycle Synching, Depression Burritos, and the Intro to my Re-Inspiration
It is easy in life to be inspired, or maybe its just easy for an Aquarius, the air headed dreamer who has many ideas on how to change the world and save herself.
But the truth is I have had many unfufilled aspirations and half-concocted ideas that dead ended in my life.
I aspired to be a famous musician when i was younger, which i solidified by spending hours practiceing my signature. However, it probably would have solidified more if i had actually practiced my scales and exercises. (RIP my unfinished Music degree, you were lost but not forgotten)
I have too many lost journals filled with entries about steaming bowls of broths filed with mouthwatering beef with my best friend in hoi ane, the cheapest fresh bowls of Ahi after the Komodo islands, along with plenty of broken phones filled with the bight plates fish and water color sunsets I was sure would perfectly complement my prose. I regularly come across a photo
I have aspired many times in my life, but the follow through hasnt always been so strong. One could call me Proffessor Calamitous, because i tend to to struggle to finish what i start.
Add in my older Brothers passing this past year, and this has been a year of unfufilled hopes and dreams with a sprinkle of debilitating grief and my dreams have been on hold for quiet a while.
The Depression
This year I struggled, limped, and crawled my way through. Many things that used to bring me joy no longer activated that spark, including cooking. (Don't even get me started on the cleaning, because that never sparked joy).
I didnt sing. I didn't do yoga, or move my body, or breathe mindfully. I stopped taking baths and struggled to find the motivation to shower. Piles of clean clothes stacked up in front of my dresser, fondly( Embarrassedly?) refered to as Mount juliana. And the only reason they were claen piles and not dirty was
And to be fair my Amazing Partner really picked up the slack in everyway he could, but as offical cook and and food planner of my home, cooking really became a chore to detest versus the theruptic hobbie that used to fill my cup, (and my bowl lol). Along with my sweet roommate whos meals filled the home with sweet sents and full flavors.
But feeding Max and myself was still primarily my job. And while depression can allow many things to be forgotten, food is not one of them. Even if the kitchen reminds me of him, i have got to figure out a way to get it done. And slowly i began to find little spurts of inspiration in the kitchen, starting with me jumping on the new sourdough crazy and becoming a regular ole BreadHead.
Cycle Syncing and the birth of Depression Burritoes
A brilliant friend of mine told me about cycle synching, and I bought her Period Tracking journal. (Shout out to @DAYRISEMETHOD). I started realizing there was a 1-3 day period where I loved making meals and busting out food for the week, (Thank you Luteal Phase). But while i love leftovers, I do get bored of food by day 3, and even if it still smells and looks fresh i mentally get grossed out by day 5. So even though 3 days of inspiration is better than none, it still doenst solve my problems.
Hence the radical birth of Depression burritos. (And the beginging of my search for the perfect freezer meals.)
The Silver Lining Seekers: A Reframing of Hope
So, here’s what I’ve learned: maybe we don’t need to force ourselves or others to find the "bright side" when it’s just not possible. Maybe the point isn’t to force yourself into a place of gratitude or positivity when you're drowning in grief. Maybe it’s to simply seek.
Instead of saying, “Look on the bright side,” let’s ask (when we are ready):
Can we seek a silver lining?
It’s an evolution, a reframing of hope, a call to action. Instead of pushing ourselves to feel grateful when we don’t, maybe we just need to have the courage to look for something—anything—that might offer a glimmer of light. It’s not about forcing positivity. It’s about seeking the possibility of healing, of peace, of finding a way forward when it feels like there is no way out.
I No Longer Believe in Happy Endings, But I Do Believe in Healing
Right now, I’m grieving. I am really fucking sad. And that’s okay. I don’t need to rush through it, and I don’t need to pretend that there’s a lesson in this. Sometimes, life just hurts, and that's part of the human experience.
But I do believe that I am ready to stop talking about living my life, and ready to start living it. I do believe that one day I will fully find my way back to joy. And when that day comes, I will be ready to seek the silver linings.
.
Let’s Seek Together
The truth is, we can’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel. But we can seek it, even if it’s hidden in the darkness for now.
So, if you’re struggling, if you’re in pain, if life has shattered your world in ways you never imagined—just know that you’re not alone. One day, you'll have the urge to ask for more, to crawl out of the depths of despair and yearn for more than what was given. You will be ready to take things into your own hands, and when that day comes, let’s seek together. And until then, let’s hold space for the darkness, knowing that, eventually, we may find the light.
If this resonates with you, please know that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to sit with your grief, your pain, and your sadness. And when you’re ready, we can all begin the search for our silver linings.
In Loving Memory of Joel Thomas Thomsen October 08 1985 - August 4th 2024.